When I Die…may it not be of Viagra

Let me just start by saying that when I die, may it not be from A Viagra overdose man! It’s most embarrassing to say the least.

COVID19 times be difficult times man. You gotta be impressive and keep your performance STELLAR in every aspect yet you still have to deal with curfews, social distancing and delayed queues. So imagine, you’re stuck up on a queue, at a pharmacy (which is an essential service) and you are far behind the queue trying to get the antidote for the double dose of Viagra you took in the hopes of acing it. Two at the price of one? You obviously picked up the wrong item. You are obviously content with the social distancing guidelines for they work to your advantage while trying to keep your sweaty, vein-riddled, pain face straight. You are not nearly resentful enough of those people queuing for Laxatives and painkillers. You spot a number of idle teenagers who are there “just-because”.

There is no decency in death. That form of lifelessness one takes as you cease to breath, cold icy flesh replacing warm congenial senses, glazy and many-a-time deformed looks defining a thousand expressions that once made the face, nothing matters, pauper and prince are at par, the last dying wish you may imagine would be to live one more day: but that ends at that A WISH! Death is not an outcome that any of us wish for but when it shows face, you have to toe-the-line and follow the men in white across the blue divide, where destiny awaits.

Well, when this happens to me? I would like to urge you who is left behind, who read this blog, who claims to be family, friend, whoever you be, waste no time, CREMATE MY REMAINS. In 24 hours is good timing but it you don’t make that cut, 48 hours, do it! Dust to dust and what better way to incorporate it through ashes? Find me the shortest way to the soil and don’t make drama on my name. Play quiet or loud music if you must. Drink and drown your sorrows, at your own expense. Talk about me – good and bad – but please, don’t make drama!! I know I am onto a livid topic but hang on with me for a moment as I tell you why.

I come from a melodramatic society when it come to celebrations including birth, marriage and death. Burial in my context and experience is a social, environmental and economically upheaval. It has a lot of misgiving and lacks objectivity in many ways. Primarily, it is a feast ill-prepared and ill-targeted, resources consumed in copious quantities (normally unprecedented), glamour as people dress up the dead in divinity – a display that would shock a corpse to life if they knew. Then people start taking the piss, often in sarcastic undertones directed to your loved ones who are still living. Many times this happens on the backdrop of a-people living with perpetual hunger, indecency, homelessness and parochial piety that incessantly chip away on the impetuous strokes of paint they use to patch their lives. Nobody helps, nobody responds, nobody to cares – then you die.

You know Viagra seldom kills but it has its own history of harvest. Roughly 500 men died of using Viagra in the first year of use. So. take my advice, if you find yourself stuck behind a COVID19 queue and you’ve taken a double dose of Viagra and in need of an antidote, make a bee-line for the pharmacist’s counter. Besides being dilated in prominent area, people may only presume that you have COVID19 anyway because you will be perspirating heavily, hyperventilating, vomiting and perhaps looking weak, which are the exact symptoms of the pandemic. No questions asked. Please do not die because if you do, we’ll have to make up all sorts of stories about why you are dead and dilated inside your trousers. And that’s NO GOOD!

But, we’ll show up one day of your DEATH, to cement some solidarity by sinking you far below the surface as if you were a seed hoping to grow. We’ll all arrive in style and take turns to “pay last respects” even though we never respected you in the first place.

When I die, keep the casket CLOSED. I would rather everybody remembers me as a memory of who I was, what I stood for, OR not rather than my lifeless body. Don’t forget me too fast though, otherwise I may have to visit you in dreams.

Open casket funerals are anyway the reserve of those who die from Viagra overdose, for forthright reasons. Unless you reshape the casket, which would look suspect, you also end up with an open casket burial, if you don’t qualify for closed-partially. Get ahead of the queue!!

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